CHICAGO (Pistachio Times) – The annual communist convention went 5 minutes without ideological infighting, an impressive mark that communists all around the world are celebrating.
“This is a truly great moment for communists everywhere, and I am extremely happy that we’re finally uniting to beat back the wave of capitalism that has proliferated in the last 30 years. Truthfully, the declining amounts of disease, poverty and illiteracy is deeply troubling,” Yevgeny Ivanov said.
The argument started over whether someone could be a true communist if they worked for any form of government.
“Well, in my mind you can’t be a communist if you directly work for a capitalist government. I mean, it’s practically fascism. Unfortunately, my peers did not agree, and so I had to brutally beat them into submission until they agreed with my position,” Gabriel Robinson said.
The opposing individual, Alexander Adams has renounced his position.
“After suffering from a black eye and a ruptured spleen, I have come to realize that you can’t be a true communist if you work for the government. As soon as I get out of the hospital I’m going to quit my job as an urban planner. I’ll see where the winds of the revolution take me,” Alexander Adams.
Adams’ mother was not pleased with the news.
Pistachio Times reporters were able to eavesdrop on the conversation with her son in the hospital.
“Why can’t you just be normal? Is it because we gave you Duplos instead of Legos?”
“Well, mom, maybe it was because you used to dip my head in crude oil and said ‘who’s my little oil tycoon? Who’s my little oil tycoon?’”
“You loved it and you know it! You better apologize right now Alexander Hamilton Adams.”
A Pistachio Times copy editor was also involved in the altercation. He was in the process of breaking up the fight between Adams and Robinson when he received a massive left hook to the chin, knocking him unconscious. He suffered a grade three concussion and was airlifted straight to Hell, where he sold his soul in order to avoid crippling medical debt.