COLUMBUS, OH. (Pistachio Times) – A local man has been finally emotionally satisfied after years of building up his collection of assorted plants. His house now classifies as a deciduous forest and he couldn’t be happier.
“I started growing plants in 2020, but I just couldn’t stop. Before I knew it I was ordering Maple trees by the dozen and enough Mountain-Laurels to cover nearly every square inch of my house. Now, I can finally rest easy,” Logan Samson said.
His wife and son do not feel the same.
“My morning usually starts with getting knocked in the head by some branch that wasn’t there the day before. I try to make coffee, but I have to contort my body around potted plants and overgrown vines. I would divorce the man, but I’m worried the plants might eat me alive on command,” Susanne Samson said.
Samson’s son has to fight back against an onslaught of nature just to get out of his room.
“It would be nice if I didn’t have to cut down branches every time I wanted to leave my room, but I’m used to it. It could be worse. My friend’s house got turned into a recreation of 18th century France with guillotines included,” Robert Samson said.
Authorities have considered condemning the house due to “unsafe living conditions.” Just last week a Pistachio Times copy editor was violently engulfed by a web of vines and branches while visiting Samson. He remains missing.
Some in the city council have considered setting fire to the house, as that may be easier than cutting down the densely packed ecosystem.
“Just burn the whole thing down. I want that house to be ash when I see it next. I’ll even start the flame myself to save city resources,” City Councilor Daniel Micheals said.
This is a developing story. Hear it through the grapevine right here on the Pistachio Times!