CHICAGO (Pistachio Times) – A recent study found that pickleball doesn’t bring back youthful athleticism and exuberance, leaving many middle aged individuals shocked.
“I mean, all you do is move a few feet in each direction. The outcome of the study should’ve been obvious,” lead scientist Jacob Goen said. “No amount of converted tennis courts will bring back the athleticism of your early 20’s.”
The news has left many pickleball players directionless.
“What am I supposed to do now? Go to the gym?” local pickleball player Robert Smith said.
Other pickleball players have been actively hostile and have condemned the study’s findings.
“It’s clear that this study is trying to kill our wonderful sport. Well, we’re not going to let that happen. We’re loud, we’re proud and we’re going to gently hit this study into irrelevance,” local pickleball champion Adam Miller said.
Some already have backup plans if pickleball fades in popularity.
“I’m willing to take a few steps to save the reputation of pickleball, but no more than that. There’s plenty of activities that will keep me fit and healthy, such as the semi-professional race walking circuit I frequent,” Samuel Hart said.
The wallball community has celebrated the news, and expects an influx of new athletes.
“We’re extremely excited that pickleball’s stranglehold over individuals aged around 40-55 is ending. I personally believe that we could expand our community by 40 or 50 percent by the end of this year. I have no doubt that 2025 will be the year of wallball,” Director of Operation Take Down Pickleball Because We’ve Got Plenty of Walls Elizabeth Roberts said.
The outcome of the recent study has also led to a revaluation of recent park district decisions.
“It’s clear now that these middle aged people will move on to the next low effort sport, so can I get my local basketball court back? I’m tired of having to walk a mile just to play a game,” high schooler Mila Garcia said.
Chicago city officials have affirmed their commitment to pickleball despite the recent events.
“We’ve already allocated the money and resources to convert 75% of our current tennis and basketball courts to pickleball courts, so it’s too late in the process to change the plan now. This plan was widely praised just a few weeks ago by many Chicagoans, and everyone knows that there’s no takesies-backsies in local politics,” Mayor Brandon Johnson said.