DES MOINES (Pistachio Times) – Mere weeks after the USDA mandated that every American eat corn, coconuts have begun to infect large swaths of farms all throughout the heartland. It seems as though the phrase “You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?” activated a top secret military program that led to extremely rapid growth of coconuts in areas of key agriculture importance.
General Coco Nutterson testified in front of Congress this morning as a key person of interest in the ongoing Coco Crisis.
“At this moment it’s really quite hard to tell what exactly happened. This program predated my time as a general; I live in the context of what came before me, so to speak. I’m also unsure whether a sudden increase in use of phrases like ‘it’s going bananas’ or ‘the apple of my eye’ will have similar catastrophic impacts,” Nutterson said.
Deputy of Agriculture Zea Mays spoke at a press conference where she announced a new program to encourage the consumption of coconuts. Although the Biden administration already fired Mays for her handling of the corn mandate, the paperwork is still stuck in bureaucratic channels and probably won’t reach her desk until 2026.
“There isn’t a problem in this country related to food that can’t be solved through weaponizing the American diet. All of you out there will shove anything down those greasy gullets of yours as long as it includes chocolate or meat. That’s why we’re officially classifying Almond Joy as a vegetable. Every child in America will have it in their school lunches, and there’s nothing concerned parents can do because this is fully subsidized and supported by the federal government,” Mays said.
The FDA has recruited doctors to speak on the benefits of consuming coconuts daily.
“Although coconuts taste objectively bad in pretty much every form, they do wonders for the body. If you consume just one coconut per day, you too can fail upwards just like Kamala Harris. I personally slurp coconut milk religiously so that one day I can be the head of some important governmental body despite being grossly incompetent,” Dr. Mal Praktise said.
The Pistachio Times sent a copy editor to explore one of the affected fields. She was only able to take a few notes before a coconut fell on her head, causing a severe concussion. Below is what she wrote:
July 24th, 2024
I have entered the contaminated field through [REDACTED]. It seems as though the [REDACTED] has entered the [REDACTED] through [REDACTED]. If [REDACTED] somehow spreads to [REDACTED], the [REDACTED] will no doubt be [REDACTED].
This insightful observation has led investigators to believe that something bad is happening somewhere somehow.
In response to the crisis, many members of Congress have decided to go on tropical vacations in order to further study the nature of coconuts.
“After consuming copious amounts of cocktails, I have come to the conclusion that coconuts are great vessels for alcohol on the beach. This information will prove vital in our investigation of this truly tragic disaster. While my stomach may be filled with expensive alcohol, my heart lies in sadness knowing thousands of hard-working farmers are suffering,” Nancy Pelosi said.
President Biden even announced that he would stay up until 9 P.M until the crisis is resolved.
“President Biden is an extremely brave man. He has decided to sacrifice his bedtime so that the American people can get solutions. I’m sure he’ll do whatever it takes to remedy this crisis; even if that means topping his Vanilla ice cream with coconut shavings,” Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said.