WASHINGTON (Pistachio Times) – The USDA announced that every U.S. citizen must eat at least one cob of corn a week. The mandate comes after the crop has been left to rot for weeks on many farms throughout the Great Plains; the stench has reached as far as New York. Many blame the generous corn subsidies given out by the federal government for the extreme excess in the crop.
“It is absolutely vital that everybody do their part for this country. We will be awarding $100 for information that leads to the arrest and conviction of anyone that has not eaten their minimum required corn consumption for the week. Those succulent golden tubes are prime for some good eating so there’s no excuse for not eating your required corn,” Deputy Secretary of Agriculture Zea Mays said.
The USDA has called upon doctors from all over the nation to inform the public about the benefits of corn in an attempt to encourage consumption of the wonderfully yellow rotund vegetable.
“Corn is really a superfood and should be a major part of every American’s diet. It has fiber, vitamin D, iron, copper and really every nutrient that anyone could ever need. Contrary to popular belief, high fructose corn syrup is also quite nutritious and should be consumed in large quantities if possible,” Dr. Mal Praktise said.
The USDA has also clarified what counts as consumption of a whole corn cob.
“Corn dogs do not count despite the misleading name. The only thing that counts is the actual cob itself and corn related products. However, corn related products will not count until we are able to figure out how much one has to consume in order to reach a cob’s worth of corn, and those figures will come out very soon,” Mays said.
Some have offered to eat corn for others, with the rate fluctuating from $5-$10 a cob depending on how rich the person is that they’re ripping off.
“Mmmmmm…I’ll eat that corn right up. You gimme some corn and I’ll gobble it up faster than you can blink. OooOoooo yeah give me more of that C-O-R-N baby!” Roger ‘corn fucker’ Williams said.
The mandate has left many shucked, and protests have sprung up in nearly every major U.S. city. The majority of the protesters have called in the constitutionality of the move into question.
“This is blatant government overreach. What’s next? The 10 commandments in public schools?” Louisianan resident Jean-Baptiste-Louis-Fleur DuBois said.
The National Guard has been called in to quell the demonstrators in some cities as thousands march while destroying many cobs of corn.
“The situation feels as though it’s about to pop in some of these major cities. I’ve personally been amaized with my soldiers’ performance, especially with how high the tensions are,” Kernel Micheal Warker said.
The faint smell of popcorn wafted from the Capitol Building as senators snacked on Orville Redenbacher while brainstorming other potential solutions.
“Tactical corn strikes could provide unprecedented accuracy in our assassinations of terrorists worldwide. We may finally stop killing so many innocent civilians,” Senator Lindsay Graham said.
Some within the USDA have even contemplated making corn a requirement in certain regional foods.
“Imagine corn on top of an Italian beef or in that disgusting mess that Cincinnatians call chili,” Director of Corn Deployment Ava Maxson said.
The new mandate may soon be in jeopardy, however, as the Supreme Court is set to hear Literally Everybody v. USDA later this month.
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