VATICAN CITY (Pistachio Times) – Pope Francis announced shocking news for Christians all over the world early this morning: microplastics have been found in Heaven. The inconceivable news was delivered to the Pope straight from God himself.
“God gave me his bi-annual review of Heaven last night and at the pearly gates there was a noticeable accumulation of a dust-like substance. When I examined it closer I realized it was small pieces of plastic. Saint Peter was extremely distraught with the conditions of his workplace, threatening to quit if God didn’t clean it up.”
Saint Peter sent a statement through an angel to the Pistachio Times to clarify his position.
“I’ve been working there for an eternity, so I need to do hot yoga in order to keep in shape for incoming individuals. I can’t do my yoga when there’s tiny pieces of plastic all over. It’s quite frustrating because I’m the only Saint truly qualified for the job; I can’t just trade a shift with Saint Patrick, for example.”
The news has sparked worldwide protests for environmental change. Nuns, priests and monks were seen protesting alongside environmental activists outside of the White House this morning. The President addressed the crowd this morning while hundreds of unblessed Communion wafers were thrown at his head.
A copy editor was sent to Hell to get Satan’s statement on the issue.
“We may have Hitler, but at least we don’t have microplastics,” Satan said.
The Pope also added that there had been a noticeable slow down of people going into Heaven. The numbers have gotten so bad that God has been bribing people on Earth with a custom pair of wings to get Christians to repent.
The Pope also spoke about the recent slide of Kansas.
“The slide is not the beginning of the end times. We definitely have at least a few thousand years before God has had enough of us. If I had to speculate I would say the end times would not be for a very, very long time.”
The news about the end times has left doomsday cults extremely disappointed.
“It’s really a hassle since the Cyanide pills are so expensive. We were truly prepared for the end times, but now we’re left just holding a bunch of useless junk,” cult leader John ‘crazy motherfucker’ Charles said.
The Pope closed his press conference with a message for the entire world.
“If all you heathens prayed a little harder then my job would be a lot easier. I’m formally assigning five Rosaries and ten good deeds to everyone for the absolute nonsense that goes on down here. If single-use plastics aren’t banned in most nations by the end of this month I’ll triple the amount of Rosaries and good deeds.”