CHICAGO (Pistacho Times) – A village manager recently announced that they would be shutting down an extremely vital road for an indefinite amount of time. The announcement has stirred controversy among thousands of individuals who use the road daily.
“This is a major arterial road that is necessary to access hundreds of small businesses, dozens of warehouses and many homes and apartments. Shutting down this road will be absolutely detrimental to the function of our town. This project will cause extreme inconvenience,” village manager Emmet Bezel said in a press conference yesterday.
The village faced scrutiny as the road has been under construction as recently as two years ago.
“The necessity of this project cannot be understated. We had a massive surplus in the budget for the village, and we decided that it had to be spent on this completely fucking useless project. We actually ran an algorithm to find out the best way to waste all of your hard-earned money,” Bezel said.
Nearly everyone has gotten their lazy asses off the couch to protest this stupid fucking thing, so what the hell are you doing? Even real dumbasses have gotten involved with the demonstrations.
“The biggest loss for me is the tanning place. How am I supposed to get my weekly dose of skin cancer now?” Joe Scham said.
The village plans to change absolutely nothing, and only decided to extend the length of the project in response to the protests.
“The more all of you protest this project, the worse it’s going to get. Every day that the protest continues the project will be delayed by another six months, and the construction company gets paid hourly so they’ll take as long as I tell them to. I can do whatever the hell I want, ” Bezel said.
Local law firms in the area have begun to run ads targeted towards those affected by the road closure.
“Has the road closure negatively impacted your mental or physical health? Is this the last straw in your long-term downward spiral that will no doubt end in disaster for you and those you care about? If so, you may be entitled to mediocre financial compensation; probably enough to buy some nice clothes to distract yourself from the fact that your life is crumbling around you,” one ad stated.
The project is slated to begin at some point, and in the meantime the road will be closed as the construction company does whatever.