WASHINGTON (Pistachio Times) – The 118th Congress recently passed the Bechdel test, a popular method to measure female representation in film and television. The test was passed when Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene got into an animated fight on the Capitol Building steps. It’s not certain what exactly triggered the argument, but the words used will certainly tank the SEO of The Pistachio Times.
“You fucking Colorado bitch. There’s only one room for one batshit crazy woman in Congress, and that’s going to be me. I’m hungry for attention and you’re taking a massive slice out of my unearned media attention,” Greene said.
Boebert stayed silent at first, but eventually snapped under the unrelenting smell of Georgia Bourbon emanating from Greene’s breath.
“You better get your Florida Georgia Line whore ass out of here before I show you what elevation training does to my uppercut. I’ll punch you so hard that you’ll end in the gulf before you can even blink,” Boebert said.
Greene then proceeded to tackle Boebert, and they were both sent flying down the steps of the Capitol Building, landing at the feet of Joe Manchin.
“It’s at times like these that we need common sense solutions in this country. That’s why I’m going to double pump 360 no scope both of these bitches and send their asses to Valhalla,” Manchin said.
A Pistachio Times copy editor pushed Manchin out of the way and proceeded to break up the fight, but not before receiving a severe concussion, horrible lacerations and an existential crisis. They’re in critical condition due to a brain bleed, but they are expected to live. The Pistachio Times assures it’s readers that our healthcare plan is wholly inadequate and that the copy editor will be in a mountain of medical debt, likely causing severe depression and suicidal ideation which will be ignored since the only therapist in his network is a blind Russian man who only speaks in tongues.