CHICAGO (Pistachio Times) – A 4th of July fireworks show was interrupted last night by a group of passing aliens. The extraterrestrials disabled the fireworks with a series of highly advanced lasers, and proceeded to put on their own show by flying around in formation. The aliens also took over the bodies of a few individuals in the crowd to broadcast a series of messages.
“We flew over ten light years to Earth because a respected individual of our species said that humans had the ability to light up the sky to a truly impressive degree. What we’ve seen today is truly disappointing and doesn’t even compare to what our friend said he saw 63 years ago. This demonstration is just low-tier explosives that’s only impressive if you’ve never seen something blow up before!”
That particular message was delivered by the body of a man named James Seyoun, a man who launched a blog 10 years ago dedicated to debunking UAP videos.
“Most of those videos were still faker than Dolly Parton’s boobs, so I wasn’t totally wrong. Honestly, this is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can milk this for all it’s worth and drink Mai Tai’s on a beach somewhere,” Seyoun said.
The aliens delivered the final part of their message through a Pistacho Times copy editor in attendance.
“These ‘fireworks’ don’t light up the sky for miles. They don’t create a shockwave that circles your planet three times. We’re all disappointed with your regression and we can only hope that you get your act together in terms of entertaining explosives.”
The aliens were quickly reported to NORAD and jets were scrambled. However, the alien crafts quickly departed Earth’s atmosphere after the event and caused no further issues.
“I’m personally disappointed that none of our pilots were able to shoot down an alien. That patch would be badass,” Senator Lindsay Graham said.
The reaction to the news that aliens officially exist has been met with varying reactions, with most reacting with intense ambivalence.
“Aliens exist: so what? Unless they pay off my student loans or offer a pint of some galactic beer they’re not very useful to me,” Sam O’brien said.
The crowd was able to recover a piece of technology that had a sticky note on the back. The note read, “Here’s a little design to create a spaceship. It’s pretty slow, but right now you’ve only achieved the equivalent of a horse-drawn wagon, so consider us your space sugar-daddy.”
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