CHICAGO, IL. (Pistachio Times) Andrew Stevens of Ravenswood just narrowly avoided eating his aunt’s awful Christmas Cookies. The platter included sugar cookies with the texture of sawdust, burnt gingerbread cookies and lemon cream cheese cookies that could kill a bear.
“The mission was extremely complex and intricate. It took a lot of effort and I’m worried that I won’t be able to pull off a similar operation on the 4th of July when my friend cooks up burgers drier than the U.S. during prohibition,” Stevens said.
Stevens originally planned to claim he was on a gluten free diet, but his consumption of copious amounts of lasagna on Christmas Eve made this plan impossible. Thankfully, he was able to pivot, and instead decided to break off parts of the cookies to make it appear as though he had taken a healthy bite of each.
“My aunt seemed satisfied with it. I told her that the cookies were ‘so good,’ and ‘even better than last year.’ She even promised to make some sweets for her birthday. Thank God I can just throw that shit in the dumpster,” Stevens said.
Stevens’ brother, Thomas, was not so lucky.
“She made me try every single cookie in front of her. It was absolutely excruciating. I think next year I’ll burn down an orphanage so I can be disowned or something,” Stevens said.
Eleanor Baskins, the aunt in question, seemed quite satisfied with her performance this holiday season.
“I think the lemon cream cheese cookies were a big hit. Maybe next year I’ll make it all lemon themed. I can’t wait for Thomas to try them out,” Baskins said.
The younger members of the family have been trying to stop her reign of baking terror for almost a decade, but their parents have snuffed out all of their attempts. Phrases such as “you’re lucky that you have an aunt that loves you so much,” and “I actually like her cookies!” have guilted Andrew and Thomas into suffering through dessert hell every year. However, the brother’s parents have not touched Eleanor’s cookies since Christmas of 1997.
“It’s bullshit. They make us choke down the grossest baked goods known to man, but they get a pass. Maybe next year I’ll lace the cookies with laxatives so I never have to eat them again. I’m willing to take one for the team,” Thomas Stevens said.
Unfortunately for the brothers, they also have to suffer through their aunt’s birthday cakes every year. Andrew’s girlfriend, Emily Miller, described the taste of the cakes as “vaguely rancid.”
“I feel bad for Andrew. He dreads the holiday season and I don’t blame him. I’m an outsider, so maybe next year I’ll gently tell Eleanor to stop. I can’t let Andrew suffer any longer,” Miller said.